Beyond These Clouds

by Abreaction

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1. The relationship was taken for granted, but really there are confessions that have not been spoken for. Forget about that for now and focus on the times that reflected more innocence. Although you do not quite know the full story, I may have to give in. 2. My devotion to you is beyond mere words. You connect with me in a way no else could. I will be around for you if you give me the chance. There are still revelations not accounted for but I can’t purge these repressions yet. 3. If I tell you the truth, I know you will abandon me. Was it for destiny to decide if we were aligned or is the disease on my end? The waiting must continue but the words are finally beginning to choke my lungs. 4. These subtle obstacles distract me from my real quest. It’s now or never because if the truth remains hidden, our foundation was based on lies and half-truths. 5. I still think of you as my sole savior, so I please forgive me for my last undoing. I discarded a gem that was so precious. The decision for what can be an eternal bond is yours. 6. This now is the moment I’ve waited too long for as I am stumbled by your presence. You now know what has decayed my mind but you leave me as my worst fears come to light. Please, I cannot let this be the end. 7. Reality now presides over the assumptions. Everything I so naively hoped for has taken an abrupt turn. My devotion and trust in you was something that has dissolved. 8. I need other substitutions to blanket the harsh reality. This faked existence is almost as cringing as the one that surfaced. The descent to a new deeper hole is emerging. 9. Hollow feelings of ecstasy crush my inner being. This delusion only gives me hope for something that will never really come to bear. I have to accept the responsibility for the unfolding of my actions. Drastic measures need to be taken to mend the torn threads. – BANG – 10. One painful journey ends and one with uncertainty begins. 11. This new avenue appears to be an irreversible chapter of loss. I have tokens of remembrance of every fragment and slice of time. I wish this was not the truth but the first hints of comfort numb what I have turned into. 12. I yearn to remember only the times that were worthy. There was so much I promised and yet I managed to let everyone I loved down in devastating ways. It is the thoughts of what could have been that now seem to eternally haunt me. 13. I hope my loss balanced out your pain. There never was a thing called fate and so maybe there was justification for the one life I embodied. 14. There are others here suffering similar misfortunes to provide solace. I will now forever question the decision I made because I was too frightened to take responsibility for what I suffered. I only want to turn back the fragment of time when I made such a hostile call at a moment where my thoughts were not cohesive. These words will eternally haunt me as I'd do anything to feel alive again. I want to taste the fresh air now. Please forgive me wherever you are.


released March 1, 2005

Abreaction is Arpan (Bob) Shah
All songs written by Abreaction

Produced by Brian Zieske
Recorded by Brian Zieske, assisted by Ted Eliason, at the Gallery of Carpet during the frigid days of December 11 – 17, 2004
Mixed by Brian Zieske at the Gallery of Carpet
Additional music by Ted Eliason (Rhodes, percussion, and e-bow) and Brian Zieske (bass and drum sequencing)


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Abreaction Chicago, Illinois

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Track Name: Words And Lines
All I see are words when you see the lines There’s something about you that gives me the chills The last time I go to sleep tonight is the last time I think of you All those days that once symbolized Now I wish they would be forgotten anniversaries I am making a promise to myself that I’ll never break your heart and I’ll be your guardian I saved the tape from the machine just to hear your voice again I wish it was easy to fall in love Then maybe I would feel happy just for awhile Since the day I met you I felt some hope again All the words I’ve longed for now make some sense I want to be the person you see yourself committed to I want to be the person who makes you feel alive
Track Name: Honesty
Maybe it’s a lack of confidence or being alone Maybe it’s personality that made this go wrong It’s a question of standards on either side Losing motivation after I tried Honesty for the first time Finally it’s off my mind Always saying the wrong thing I’m trying too hard Finding all these comparisons It’s gone too far It could be the places that I go I’ll try no more Keep the dream alive
Track Name: Making The Move
Falling for you is the last thing I came to do Your blonde hair and striking eyes gave me no chance to change my mind Making the move is what nights like this will prove Feeling sorry for myself Making the move is what nights like this will prove Maybe I can be with you Passing up this chance would be a head on collision I’m helpless
Track Name: Every Night
My heart was captured when I first looked at you I’ve never seen a girl more beautiful than you All the nights that we just talked time would cease to exist Another world away you never felt so close So every night I cry Every night I think why did I throw it all away? These feelings are too hard to bury underneath and you would be lying if you didn’t feel the same If the sun would never shine I’d feel just as blue Maybe I just need some time to wash away these thoughts All those times I never forgot And you’re wrong I always cared for you The choice is up to you Whatever you want I never want to hurt you again You again
Track Name: CIrcles Overlap
Sentiments arise when we are kept alone The feeling burns Circles overlap and now I know that we were meant to be joined together in harmony Disguising all my eagerness I wonder what you think of this Thinking of my other tries I just need to look in your eyes Surprise I’m lost for words that do justice to your beauty Losing focus of these numbers I never thought it’d come to this some things happen for a reason This is not coincidence Years ago, I believed that you would rescue me This won’t hold me down
Track Name: Breaking Up
I’m sick of having to defend the shit I hear from all your friends but that’s not why we have come to an end I’m sick of wasting all my nights You never cared if I was right Drama fed your appetite I’m not making up for breaking up I’m not making up for breaking up with you I’m sick of your piss attitude It makes me feel like I was used My time with you is forever bruised I‘m sick of all the jealousy It hardly gives me room to breathe With me now gone I hope you’ll see I know that there was some good in you But you only looked out for yourself I know that we were not destined to be
Track Name: Wasted
The day starts off with ease and ice covers the streets My priority now is to feel the peace Eight stops on the El I finally ring the bell I wonder if he’ll tell that my right pocket is swelled I got myself in this predicament All I need to take is one more hit Four more bottles and I’ll feel lit Wasted Several hours pass The feeling never lasts I think I’ll need to check the pictures tell the past Locked up in my room The sun turns into gloom All we did was lose the feelings we had tuned I wasted my life
Track Name: So Much To Offer
I’m packing slowly with the blinds closed because I don’t want to see you I’m worried more about how I’ll be remembered than how I live my life These sudden conversations make it easier when you speak the truth I need someone who’ll understand that there is so much to offer Baby you never told me what was wrong with me My final breath was taken from me long before you even got to me And I don’t think that I’ll ever meet that girl who convinces me that love is real and people feel like this every single day And maybe I am pessimistic because it’s never happened to me And I don’t feel normal anymore And I don’t feel like I did before
Track Name: Frozen Memories
The touch of winter brings back tidal waves of frustration I walk out pretending that it’s all good when really I feel I misunderstood The illusion is transparent This illusion of truth I cradle these moments in denial It doesn’t take a lifetime to see the signs Succumbing slowly There’s no way to isolate this choking pain Frozen memories It’s all I have
Track Name: Jagged Cure
I feel helpless thinking of your sight I feel reckless because after more I might show my weakness Anyone of them My commitment is that in my life I don’t want to lose myself to feeling like my actions don’t have any impact on your healing I want everything to work I feel like maybe there’s no cure I feel hopeful that I have the will I feel beaten The temperature is still Turning slowly in the dead of night I want you
Track Name: It Kills To Be One Way
I always knew that we were here by chance The world will go on despite your stance I can’t see how I am one of a few who understands that there are certain rules for how we got here And I can see their views But they should listen because we always knew how it kills to be one way And I think that we are destined for worse because we’re stuck on who came here first So should we sorrow for all the martyrs who risked their lives for tomorrow? I can’t explain it I always thought the idea of someone looking over us was comforting but now I know that we’re just alone If we can’t even get along together under these clouds for a spec of time there’s nothing that entitles us to be around forever And just when I thought it was okay to express myself I see a hoard of people ready to shut me up The only thing I feel about the injustice of our ways is that we can’t keep fighting over such petty things and that it kills to be one way
Track Name: Echoes Ease The Pain
Thinking with my head down Echoes ease the pain It hasn’t come around The images have stayed I would do anything to rid myself feeling this way Why wait my whole life to feel it when it takes a moment to have it now? Time reflects the anguish My voice is growing weak It’s my body language My thresholds have been peaked I want it now

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